Quick post..

I feel like I should write a big long post about the NEDIC Conference I just spent the last two days at. But feeling like I should is silly. It was good. I'll leave it at that. I'm inspired by some of the work, confused by other stuff, and I feel like I haven't slowed down after the conference (or after the last month, for that matter) for long enough to begin to sort things out in my mind!

Feeling this caught up in the go go go is a recipe for disaster, so I'm taking time out tonight from my real/extremely daunting to-do list to have some fun with a to-do list instead. I can credit this one to Bonnie--one more way she's been a serious inspiration along the way for me...she made a list of 100 things she wants to do, but I decided to make a list of things I want to do in the next year, and I went to 50 (that's plenty to get you thinking!). Some are easier than others, some are more like dreams, but making the list really made me think (as cheesy as it is) about the kinds of things I want to spend my time doing.





50 things to do this year...
1. Swim in the ocean
2. Run in the rain
3. Go on a yoga retreat
4. Grow my hair out
5. Bake bread from scratch
6. Make pasta from scratch
7. Make croutons
8. Go meat free one day a week
9. Get into the habit of remembering my shopping bags
10. Always use my thermos at Starbucks
11. Ride another century
12. Sleep under the stars
13. Give up swearing
14. Become a tea drinker
15. Learn to save money
16. Plan a trip
17. Graduate
18. Apply to grad school
19. Do 5 pullups in a row
20. Go on a road trip
21. Go white water rafting
22. Try rock climbing
23. Try trail running
24. Go kayaking
25. Win something
26. Cook bison for myself
27. Go to New York
28. Clean out my closet
29. Go hiking
30. Go on a picnic
31. Go to the zoo
32. Pay off my visa
33. Organize my i pod
34. Speak somewhere
35. Do a river run
36. Do a headstand...without the wall!
37. Play soccer
38. Jump on a trampoline
39. Go one week without shopping
40. Write something every day
41. Take a class I’m scared to
42. Teach a step class
43. Do zumba
44. Get skype
45. Go to a concert
46. Take a cake decorating class
47. Learn to knit
48. Try a new sport
49. Go to Pennsylvania
50. Move somewhere


And let's leave it with some quotes, just because:
"Plan out your life on paper but live your life by your heart.”
"Dreams are only thoughts you didn't have time to think about during the day."
"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."
"Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of."
"You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it."
"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
"When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch."
"To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions."

Stressing much?

Exams. Moving home. Saying goodbye to friends who are off to the next chapter of their lives. The weather getting warm enough to wear shorts. Magazines with your "Bikini Body" plan. It's enough to make this time of year a struggle for anyone, but especially for those of us who struggle with our eating and body image. If you're like me, times of stress (whether worrying about the exam I have tomorrow or about my new summer job) or change (even positive change, like being done another year of school) put me in a place where I really need to focus on staying with my recovery and give myself credit for how far I've come.

I've been reading "Food: The Good Girl's Drug" by Sunny Sea Gold. Her website is awesome! and filled with Blogs and articles that I've found helpful and especially timely this stressful month. My dietitian lent me the book, which just came out, and told me she'd met the author at a conference. I read her bio and immediately realized this woman is doing what I want to do: a) She has recovered. b) She is helping others talk about something that's taboo, trying to make everyone realize they're not alone. and c) She's the editor at Redbook, and she has worked at a bunch of other magazines.

Immediately I realized that letting my eating disorder stop me from going for what I want in life is stupid. Yes, this is cheesy, and no, it doesn't make studying for my exams any easier, but it is a reminder that just because we might be scared that we won't make it (get accepted to the program, get hired at that dream job right away, etc.) is no excuse to not try. I think having an eating disorder, for me, or even just focusing on food or my body, has given me an excuse to play it safe (saying I'll just stay on the track I'm in because I'm too sick or too distracted to really look for something that gets me going). If it weren't for my recovery, I would not have gone through the admittedly uncomfortable and hard process of realizing that
I am not happy with settling just because it's easy or because I'm not sure if I'll make it if I try to figure out what makes me happy and then go for iti. It's not worth it to play it safe when you realize that playing it safe means missing out, being miserable, and frankly, living a half-assed life.

I hope this helps someone. If you need a distraction from studying or whatever you're stressing about now, how about sitting with whatever it is that's stressing you out and getting to the bottom of it? Before, I'd have studied the night away then found myself bingeing, then feeling terrible about it (instead of worrying about my studying or lack thereof, perhaps), and then having something else to worry about for a while until the next round of the cycle began (not to mention the intense workouts I would have put myself through the following day). What's important is recognizing the cycle, breaking it, and being gentle with yourself. Even if you start to get into the pattern, i.e. find yourself eating a chocolate bar at midnight (not that there's anything wrong with this), you don't have to keep going. Admit that maybe that wasn't the best thing, move on, and realize that it takes about 20 chocolate bars to gain even ONE pound. If you learn that you don't need to binge, I think what you're gaining as a lesson is wayyyyy more important!

Good luck with everything, folks!

Just a quick link...

I think it's really important to realize that the internet, though filled with crap that will make you feel bad about yourself and tell you the best way to lose the last five pounds (which you probably don't really have to lose, nor will reading a quick article give you the magic formula), there are some good resources out there.

I love Nancy Clark, the dietitian who wrote "Sports Nutrition Guidebook"...reading it and reading her tweets, blog posts, and articles always reminds me of the importance of fueling myself as an athlete. She tweeted this post, "When Food Has Too Much Power Over You," last week and I can't believe how much it speaks to me! Check it out.

Remember that there's lots of people out there who tell you they're professionals but really have no credentials, especially when it comes to nutrition. Registered dietitians (NOT nutritionists) are the ones who went to school and had specific training! Happy surfing!

This is not particularly easy and I’m not entirely sure where to start (or where to head), but I know that leaving this weekend without writing about what I’ve been going through would be dishonest. I wish I could say that going home, starting a new job, not knowing about my summer living situation, being a maid of honour, going to formal, and trying to finish up all my year end projects in the span of 48 hours was a test that I passed with flying colours. In all honesty, I had a lot of fun—work was good, shopping for bridesmaids dresses was fun, I loved seeing everyone at formal—but in the midst of all the stress, I found myself struggling.

Without being too specific (I know it can be triggering), formal was a blast: playing dress up, seeing friends, taking pictures, dancing, eating. But that eating part got to me. As hard as I tried to be normal, eating what other people consider no big deal (and I am very aware that ‘normal’ doesn’t exist, but bear with me) upset me. I got very worked up, and the combo with the red wine I’d been drinking made me sick. I need to clarify that I didn’t make myself sick here, but I was so emotional that I got physically ill. I tried to move on after, but all night I was feeling like such a failure and so, well, gross. When I got home, I fell into my old habits. While before I would have gotten carried away and suffered a full relapse and felt awful for it, this time I didn’t. I did, however, eat enough chocolate (a fear food that I keep in the house and try to eat in states of normalcy), that I hit rock bottom. The only thing I could think in the morning was “Go to the gym, you pig.”

But wait.

Something clicked.

Even if I’d eaten an entire bag of chocolate, a whole cheesecake, and anything else I could have gotten my hands on (which I didn’t, I might add), I would NOT deserve that kind of talk. Another aha moment. When I have struggled with returning to normal eating in the past, I`d often eat out with friends, try things that scared me, and go home feeling accomplished and okay. Other times, I`d let my eating disorder force me to restrict. Then when I got home, I`d end up bingeing and feeling bad. Two lessons here: Eating more because you feel bad about what you`ve already eaten is never the answer (if you want more, wait—if you legitimately want it now, you will legitimately want it in half an hour); and, Eating an ice cream cone when you`re out with your friends is a heck of a lot different than standing over the sink eating straight out of the tub.

Though it took me hitting what I call a pretty low point to realize these things, I realize that the important thing is that I learned them. I know reading it might not do it for you, but trust me, and the lesson here is not really about a binge or about eating normally. It`s about learning from your mistakes. It`s not a relapse until you fail to get right back on track. Making a mistake—bingeing, skipping a meal, doing something that you know you shouldn`t—doesn`t put you right back where you started. If anything, it`s a sign that you`re ready for more changes and need to figure out something that works. As cheesy as it is, I`m grateful for the experiences. I need to slow down, remember the kind of person I want to be (someone who is strong, who takes time for themselves, has fun with their friends, sleeps in occasionally, has room for dessert, and knows what she wants), and then get busy living. Dwelling on my `mistakes` instead of asking why they happened and figuring out what I can learn from them keeps me trapped; taking the lesson and moving forward puts me closer to recovered. The next step for me is talking it out with the people I trust – friends, professionals, etc. – to make sure that I’ve really moved on and am making the right kinds of changes. A huge thank you goes out to all the people who’ve offered smiles, hugs, advice, encouragement, or even just listening ears through all of this!

Here`s a helpful blog about binge eating and the cycle I tried to describe (restricting, exercising, and bingeing have always gone hand in hand for me), and here’s something that I think really helps when you feel like you can’t go on.

I’ll end this one with a quote… “Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.” …don’t. give. up.

Reposting..

I'm taking this from my other blog. It fits because I know there are plenty of people watching Biggest Loser right now..


When I said I'm going to be the next Jillian...
I didn't realize:

- She'd come out with some products that I'm not so sure are helping people lose weight in the healthiest, most maintainable ways. In other words, I think she's joined the weight loss industry and is getting rich off of it. Sure, sell fitness DVDs, sell books, sell workout gear, sell online training...those kinds of things are relatively harmless. Even selling her own protein powder seems fine, although I'd like to know what makes hers different from the cheaper ones available (isn't whey protein pretty standard?) But selling fat burners and cleansing systems detracts from her other products, in my mind. Not only does it seem dangerous to take some of the products (the fat burners contain a serious amount of caffeine and the cleansing system comes with a host of warnings), but offering these things suggests that you need them. Shouldn't following her diet advice and doing her workouts be enough?

- Biggest Loser is worse than we thought. Past contestants have come clean about how they're really treated on the Ranch. I had a picture of a happy place filled with hours upon hours of sweating, but I didn't realize the things that went on before weigh-ins. As a side not, that makes me an idiot. Contestants regularly lose over ten pounds in a week -- did you guys know that ten pounds of body fat is equivalent to 35,000 calories? Or roughly 117 cheeseburgers, according to the nutrition info. Needless to say, something funky has to be going on. Whether or not it leaves contestants with disordered eating is debatable, but some of them will admit it. Kai Hubbard is one of the contestants who made a big controversy by speaking out (read about it here), but others have said it's tough to adjust back to real life after living on the ranch. Helen Phillips, one of the winners, talked about the stress of going back to real life and having to learn to not work out all day long. She also talked about the fear of gaining the weight back. All of this leaves me wondering how 'healthy' the ranch is really making contestants.

- She makes fitness videos and programs without understanding the techniques first: I bought Jillian's Yoga Meltdown DVD about the same time I started to actually practice. I thought I'd be getting the best of both words--Jillian and zen! I made it halfway through the DVD. Did I quit because it was too hard? Nah. I quit because I felt like I was going to throw my back out when she had me 'rep out' reverse triangle. Remember the ballistic stretches that your gym teacher told you were so dangerous? If you don't, I'll lend you the copy of Jillian's DVD and you can check out the contraindicated move for yourself, or get a taste of her yoga skills. What kills me is that she is in Self magazine in January with a yoga workout to help you meet your New Year's Resolutions (that's a whole different post in itself!). At any rate,I learned my lesson with the yoga DVD and didn't bother buying her Kettlebell DVD. Since I don't actually own it and haven't seen it, I can only comment based on what others have said. There's outrage in the Kettlebell community over her form and lack of training and she's defended herself on her blog and twitter. Kettlebell has it's own certification program (kind of like if you want to become a certified spin instructor) and for good reason--swinging around a weight like Jillian is asking for injury if you don't know what you're doing!

- Blatant product placement gets annoying. I might not like Jennie O Turkey. I might not want a Brita filter water bottle, even if Jillian tells me I need one to stay hydrated. I really don't like Subway. But I do like Extra gum, but there's no way that chewing a 5 calorie stick is going to stop me from having dessert if I have my heart set on dessert. Stuff that in a Ziploc bag. I'm aware that the Biggest Loser has to endorse these brands to make money and that the trainers are automatically roped into promotional stuff on the show. But Jillian has also taken on Popchips, which are supposedly a healthy snack option. News flash Jillian, these are potato chips. See the ingredients? ...same as potato chips. See the fibre and good stuff? ...me neither.

Basically, my girl let me down. I still love "If it didn't come from the ground or have a mother, you shouldn't be eating it." But I also love Christmas cookies and fail to see how saying that you shouldn't be eating them when we all know that every sane person will be eating them (and other, less than nutritionally stellar things that we all eat) does anything but create unnecessary guilt. There are plenty of healthy people who eat Cheetos, Jillian! What do you guys think? Is the Biggest Loser making something healthy--weight loss to get to a healthier place--an obsession? Do you think seeing contestants drop double digits is inspiring or makes the efforts of ordinary folks, who take a sensible approach to their weight loss, seem menial?

If we focus on getting healthy for the sake of getting healthy and lose the obsession with the numbers, people will still lose weight. They will also develop the skills and habits that they need to maintain that weight in the long term. Rather than getting frustrated and giving up if they have a 'bad' day or week, they'll learn to look at that and use it as a learning experience to get back to a healthier place. Exercising because your body is meant to move, eating foods that nourish you (body, mind, soul), and taking care of yourself are habits that everyone--regardless of whether they're overweight, underweight, or at their perfect weight--should work on cultivating!

http://www.nedic.ca/knowthefacts/selfcheck.html

Don't take this the wrong way if you find that you're fine according to it but you still think you're struggling. But maybe you didn't realize, and this helped...

Do. It. Now.

It only seems fitting for me to start things off with a quote... "Do not wait; the time will never be "just right'. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along." - Napoleon Hill

I think this blog is necessary. I know it won't be perfect, and I also know that perfection doesn't exist despite what an eating disorder will try to convince you so long as you'll listen...PERFECTIONISM CLIP

I also realize that I have a lot to share, be it experiences that I've had, books that I've read, websites I've found, or people I've met who have helped me along.

I can't claim to know it all, but I know that I've come a long way and am sad to see other people struggling and thinking they're in it alone. Truth be told, when I was at my lowest of lows, I probably looked healthy. That's the sad thing -- an eating disorder brings a lot of shame and if you're really engaged with it, chances are you're hiding it so well that people think you're fine. You can be underweight, normal weight, or overweight and still have it rough. I've struggled while I was 'too thin' but that doesn't change the fact that I was just as sick when I was x number of pounds heavier and seemingly healthy.

I'm not entirely sure where this blog is headed, but I know I need to do something. Eating disorders suck. That's all there is to it. I'm getting better, and so should anyone else who struggles, even if it's only once in a while. Regardless of whether you've got a full blown eating disorder or you struggle or you know someone who's working through stuff now, talking about it makes it real. While making it real is scary and it means it's time to own up to the issue, this is the only way we're going to make progress...

There's tons of resources out there for people to use. If I can help people find them, great. If my blog is one in a whole bunch of similar ones, so what...maybe I can get to someone that those other blogs can't. For someone who struggled for so long with trying to be perfect and trying to never make a mistake, being willing to put this out there without making it the. best. blog. ever. is just a testament to the fact that you can move on from your old ways. My eating disorder (who I refer to as Ed, as cheesy as some people may find that) doesn't like this. It also doesn't like that I ate 3 meals and 2 snacks today or that I put cream in my coffee or that I didn't run on my injured foot today. But I like that, and I did it. So there.

Feel free to send me questions. Comments. Suggestions. Stuff you want to get out there.