This is not particularly easy and I’m not entirely sure where to start (or where to head), but I know that leaving this weekend without writing about what I’ve been going through would be dishonest. I wish I could say that going home, starting a new job, not knowing about my summer living situation, being a maid of honour, going to formal, and trying to finish up all my year end projects in the span of 48 hours was a test that I passed with flying colours. In all honesty, I had a lot of fun—work was good, shopping for bridesmaids dresses was fun, I loved seeing everyone at formal—but in the midst of all the stress, I found myself struggling.

Without being too specific (I know it can be triggering), formal was a blast: playing dress up, seeing friends, taking pictures, dancing, eating. But that eating part got to me. As hard as I tried to be normal, eating what other people consider no big deal (and I am very aware that ‘normal’ doesn’t exist, but bear with me) upset me. I got very worked up, and the combo with the red wine I’d been drinking made me sick. I need to clarify that I didn’t make myself sick here, but I was so emotional that I got physically ill. I tried to move on after, but all night I was feeling like such a failure and so, well, gross. When I got home, I fell into my old habits. While before I would have gotten carried away and suffered a full relapse and felt awful for it, this time I didn’t. I did, however, eat enough chocolate (a fear food that I keep in the house and try to eat in states of normalcy), that I hit rock bottom. The only thing I could think in the morning was “Go to the gym, you pig.”

But wait.

Something clicked.

Even if I’d eaten an entire bag of chocolate, a whole cheesecake, and anything else I could have gotten my hands on (which I didn’t, I might add), I would NOT deserve that kind of talk. Another aha moment. When I have struggled with returning to normal eating in the past, I`d often eat out with friends, try things that scared me, and go home feeling accomplished and okay. Other times, I`d let my eating disorder force me to restrict. Then when I got home, I`d end up bingeing and feeling bad. Two lessons here: Eating more because you feel bad about what you`ve already eaten is never the answer (if you want more, wait—if you legitimately want it now, you will legitimately want it in half an hour); and, Eating an ice cream cone when you`re out with your friends is a heck of a lot different than standing over the sink eating straight out of the tub.

Though it took me hitting what I call a pretty low point to realize these things, I realize that the important thing is that I learned them. I know reading it might not do it for you, but trust me, and the lesson here is not really about a binge or about eating normally. It`s about learning from your mistakes. It`s not a relapse until you fail to get right back on track. Making a mistake—bingeing, skipping a meal, doing something that you know you shouldn`t—doesn`t put you right back where you started. If anything, it`s a sign that you`re ready for more changes and need to figure out something that works. As cheesy as it is, I`m grateful for the experiences. I need to slow down, remember the kind of person I want to be (someone who is strong, who takes time for themselves, has fun with their friends, sleeps in occasionally, has room for dessert, and knows what she wants), and then get busy living. Dwelling on my `mistakes` instead of asking why they happened and figuring out what I can learn from them keeps me trapped; taking the lesson and moving forward puts me closer to recovered. The next step for me is talking it out with the people I trust – friends, professionals, etc. – to make sure that I’ve really moved on and am making the right kinds of changes. A huge thank you goes out to all the people who’ve offered smiles, hugs, advice, encouragement, or even just listening ears through all of this!

Here`s a helpful blog about binge eating and the cycle I tried to describe (restricting, exercising, and bingeing have always gone hand in hand for me), and here’s something that I think really helps when you feel like you can’t go on.

I’ll end this one with a quote… “Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.” …don’t. give. up.